The best vessels
There is less time to obsess away these days, with a little one in tow. You would think this would make writing easier but it has paralyzed me instead. I’ve come closer to understanding why with Brian Eno’s take on surrender and control, via Austin Kleon:
“We’ve tended to think of the surrender end as a luxury, a nice thing you add to your life when you’ve done the serious work of getting a job, getting your pension sorted out. I’m saying that’s all wrong.
”I don’t know if you’ve ever read much about the history of shipbuilding?” Not a word. “Old wooden ships had to be constantly caulked up because they leaked. When technology improved, and they could make stiffer ships because of a different way of holding boards together, they broke up. So they went back to making ships that didn’t fit together properly, ships that had flexion. The best vessels surrendered: they allowed themselves to be moved by the circumstances.
“Control and surrender have to be kept in balance. That’s what surfers do – take control of the situation, then be carried, then take control. In the last few thousand years, we’ve become incredibly adept technically. We’ve treasured the controlling part of ourselves and neglected the surrendering part.””
The best vessels surrendered. They let themselves be moved by the circumstances. I am in a season of surrender and it is uncomfortable. We are taught control will bring us what we seek because we will have chased after it and wrestled it to the ground. There is a tempting veil of certainty in this approach to everything from selecting the next job to following the Google map to your next destination. We can make whatever we want surrender to us. This is only one side to the story. And I’m on the other side; surrender.
So many moments up to this point in my life have been about controlling the outcome. I’m very good at control, most people are when they’re telling everyone else what to do. Now I’m in a season of surrender without any tools or guidance. Surrender doesn’t come equipped with tools or guidance. Are there any companies, sports teams, armed forces being taught how to lose properly? The definition of surrender suggests it is negative and you do not want to be the one surrendering. It is described as being a victim, a weakness, losing to an opponent or an authority figure.
While these are all true instances of surrender, I am focusing on the surrender of my internal, personal life. My direct experience of the last couple of years as of late where my body was at the mercy of pregnancy, my career at the mercy of the white man’s bottom line, and our world at the mercy of an unknown pandemic.
It’s the first time I’ve had to truly acknowledge the hard truth that many women have learned earlier than me; I am less than in the eyes of society because of my gender. That’s a lot to unpack, a lifetime’s worth. What I’m getting at, in Enos’ metaphor of the surfer, is there is a time for control, a time for surrender to the elements, and a time for control again, and the cycle goes on. I am not in the control part, I am learning how to surrender to the elements, and I must admit — I kinda like it.
Like a well-flexing vessel, I need to find the function of being intentionally bent so that I don’t sink.
