30
Thirty: the year of relinquishment. In only the most optimistic, freeing sense.
Pushing through & demanding victory at all costs does not heed the desires I have any longer. I enjoy winning & beating everyone but my dad at HORSE in basketball but this isn’t what I mean by resignation. I mean melding into the new person I’m becoming. having little expectation this first year of a new decade. Nothing grand. Not quite “back to the drawing board” & not quite “full steam ahead”!
I want my family healthy, celebrations modest, & our hearts full but not at the expense of others. Not a pause but a silent reworking.
Shifting like sand on a breezy day. when walking the dune gives question to your location on the way back through. the path shifted while you were in awe of the lake in front of you.
Relinquish:
+ rules no longer fruitful
+ traits no longer defining
+ goals out of habit
+ the constant search for balance
make room for old traits with a new outlook. Daily. I geared up for surrender to what was meant for me last year when I alluded to a “ghost year”. It brought me a harvest moon pregnancy, a step towards an environmentalist career, a strawberry moon baby, deeper depths in love, & an *almost* debt-free existence.
relinquishment to myself - Emily Grace, let it unfold. These untouched layers yet within you. You thought you knew it all. The path for you. The goals to reach. Yet you kept finding when given the fork in the road, you were pulled to paths you’d “never” take. It was there you started finding yourself.
keep your eyes open but observe right now. old things have revived with new outlooks. Relinquish control of the outer, so you can listen to your inner. There is so much more to explore.
no need to chase it. The path will continue showing itself to you. Have faith.
29
Is it weird to consider this a lost year already? Or a ghost year maybe. I'm in between being young without any responsibility and being old with a lot of it. There was all this time...before now. Now there is less of it. I had a decade of my twenties to get my shit together. As I enter the last year of them I wonder if I've only made more shit to sift through. But the purpose of life isn't to get through it. Before 29, I tackled life. I ran at it full force & tried to make it mine. I tried to own it, control it, mold it into a reality I could handle. A truth I could face. I want it? I got it. It's a helpful attitude for running a business. But life is malleable. It surprises, it throws curveballs. Shit happens. Your heart changes. Someone you love dies. It can be unfair & cruel in a split second. Life doesn't respond with a participation trophy.
Life is a reflection of how you show up with the time you have here on Earth. Everyone loves this metaphor when the reflection staring back is celebrating. Or when it is youthful. Sunkissed. A little buzzed. Where it gets interesting is when the reflection staring back is hard to face. Maybe you were the one that was wrong. Maybe you were the one who's trying to figure out where you fit in all of this. This being any number of things; family drama, relationships, a new team, a growing family, your community, whatever. Or maybe you love where you're at but when you look around there is no audience cheering you on. If no one sees a happy person uploaded, does a happy person exist? I can tell you with absolute certainty that yes, happy people do exist even if you don't see them.
I'm not talking about the bright white happiness we all consume yet know is bullshit. I'm also not talking about its opposite; inflated & triggering news that isolates, separates, & ostracizes. I'm talking about the dirt-under-your-fingernails kind of happy. The deep belly laughs only your brother can bring out in you kind of happy. The introducing your cousin to a passion of hers & showing her it is real kind of happy. The sharing the bed when you thought you'd only ever be a mattress hog kind of happy. The in-flight, airplane mode, how the hell am I above the clouds, kind of happy.
When I was in grade school my mom would take me back to school shopping around this time of the year. (This might seem like an immediate curtail from what I'm saying but stick with me. It's related, I assure you.) It was enough to have a first day of school outfit and some other items to fill in what I had grown out of over the last year. It would get to the big day and I wouldn't wear the new items. I'd keep them hung up with their tags in my closet for weeks. My mom noticed and asked, "Why aren't you wearing the new clothes we picked out for you?" To which I responded, "I don't want the newness to rub off. I don't want to tarnish them".
There's a phrase for this. It's called foreboding joy. It means putting off joy thinking if you let it seep out in little increments, it will never go away. You'll have stored up enough joy by holding off on feeling it so when the opposite rolls around, you'll have enough to combat the impending doom you're sure is coming for you.
So maybe year 29 is knowing challenges are inevitable regardless of how hard you try to be the best version of yourself. The challenge is not related to who you are as a person, challenge is a standard item that comes with living. It's inescapable. But holding off on expressing joy out of fear it will go away is only hurting one person's reflection. And it's the one that needs to matter most to you. The bravest thing you can do is look yourself in the eye – in moments of both challenge & joy. To another revolution around the sun.
May it be a good one. xo, Em
28
24 I made a list of things I knew in our little rental by the bayou.
25 I came home to 25 red velvet cupcakes.
26 passed quickly, hardly noticed it, I was preoccupied.
27 was a challenge. I did all I knew to do when I get overwhelmed – make a list.
Now, 28. Unlike previous years, I don't have much to say. No list of introspective wisdom or encouragement to a younger self. No cupcakes. It is just silence. I know less & less it seems. I've taken to reading. All summer long. Instead of talking, listening.
Easy beach reads like this and this.
Hopeless romantic reads on the seashore in the 1930s.
Books about our mothers.
The constant battle with creativity.
Always this one, my safety net to a deep, wild, intuitive world:
...if you feel you have lost your mission, your oomph, if you feel confused, slightly off, then look for the Devil, the ambusher of the soul within your own psyche. If you cannot see, hear, catch it in the act, assume it is at work, and above all stay awake—no matter how tired you become, no matter how sleepy, no matter how much you want to shut your eyes to your true work.
How did she know? The true work is not less because no one is paying attention. The true work is not more because everyone is paying attention. True is not more or less. It simply is. We must not fall asleep to our true work despite the ambusher of our soul tempting us to quit the mission.
In reality when a woman has a devil complex, it occurs exactly like this. She is walking along, doing well, minding her own business, and all of a sudden—boom! the Devil jumps out, and all her good work loses energy, begins to limp, coughs, coughs some more, and finally falls over. What we might call the demon complex, uses the voice of the ego, attacks one's creativity, one's ideas and dreams.
The hardest part to swallow about this is that both the soul and the ego have set up camp within us – they reside in the same place yet they can't get along. Both try to protect in our best interest but the ego's approach, or maybe instead the hubris, is rarely successful.
It takes goodly amounts of faith to continue at this time, but we must and we do. ...all elements of the psyche are pulling in one direction, in our direction, and so must we persevere with them. At this point it is a work moving into the homestretch. It would be so wasteful and even more painful to abandon it now.
It is a work indeed. You have scaled one beast of a mountain only to find the light from the newly found sun has moved behind an even taller mountain. You are in shadow again. I used to think the "shadow" meant I failed. Here I am again unhappy, discontent, crying on the bathroom floor.
What am I doing wrong? Why does it always lead to here? Will I ever find the right fit of happiness meant for me? Fortunately, this is not the way it works. I am not doomed to darkness.
All I need to do is acknowledge the sun rises and the sun sets; the sphere we are on makes it so in a daily rotation. It's as simple as acknowledging one revolution around the sun brings us both dark and light seasons. Both are a necessity in the natural cycle of living. The Earth and the way she moves is our breathing example.
May we follow Her. May I celebrate another revolution around the sun.
Excerpts from Women Who Run With the Wolves by Clarissa Pinkola Estés
27
You won't know any more about your purpose at 27 than you did at 24. Get ok with that.
Sunflowers are still your favorite.
More than learning things, you are unlearning things. It is hard, messy work.
Goal-setting gets dry. When you reach one of your goals, are you happy? If not, goal-setting is not the solution.
Be kind to yourself. This isn't an age thing, it's a life one.
Regret is the shadow that stops you from finding the lesson.
You don't have to "fake it 'til you make it". Be honest and up front.
It might not be them. It might be you. Accept your imperfections.
You thought you were being humble, my dear. You weren't. That's ok. You will now.
Jeans. White tee. Red lipstick.
Your Momma is always your Momma.
A wrinkle at the crook of your arm. A new freckle. This is not age, this is the constellation map of your experiences.
When you dig within, you understand without.
You still enjoy beer, wine, and late nights out. I thought you'd be over that by now. You're not. Cheers!
There are things worth knowing before this time in your life; filling your tires with air. Business tax. That Love IS always the answer.
You thought you'd know more by now.
Boredom is good. Stop avoiding yourself.
There is a time for anger.
Rose-colored glasses are not naivety. They are an intentional choice. They are the harder choice.
NOT following your heart leads to more negativity.
You can't know what you don't know. Lighten up.
The protective barrier you place around yourself keeps all the good stuff out too.
This isn't one of your finer years and now you're getting somewhere.
You're part of the bigger picture (you aren't THEE bigger picture. ;))
There is something in holding babies that makes you understand something deeply that you've never felt before.
Your left hand has become the symbol of constant change. And here you thought it'd be boring!
You're not sure what to do right now. You're not sure who you are. But there is a feeling inside you where words can't touch telling you all of this is exactly how it's meant to be.
I love you, Brave Girl.
26
Today is my birthday. I am 26.
I woke up to balloons on the ceiling, sunflowers on my dresser, and an inflatable flamingo on my floor. Her name is Fran, and she'll be accompanying me to my Bachelorette beach day tomorrow. Joel put them there yesterday with the best bacon card a girl could ask for before heading north for his Bachelor weekend because he is the most thoughtful person I know. I am taking none of it for granted as I walk around smiling from ear to ear today.
Here are my highlights from the past 6 months because August is my personal new year and I'm a shameless Leo (probably the same thing):
Got a promotion at work
Traveled to Aruba with Joel, my first time out of the country!
Started a zero-budget to increase my savings and lower my student loans
Paid off my first student loan in 4 months (thanks Dave Ramsey!)
Had my brother live with us which brought more happiness than challenges (& love that he's now living closer!)
Discovered a lot of family history as a wedding gift from one of my Grandma's (we're Irish!)
Helped Joel build our kitchen table*
Celebrated our upcoming marriage at 2 bridal showers with women who love me
Marriage counseling with our officiant initiated great conversations for us
*By helping, I mean watching sparks fly across the yard nervously as Joel trimmed the metal legs down.
It's important to recognize all the beautiful things that happen to you, for you, because of you. It's important to acknowledge our celebrations more than brood over what is not. Seeing my highlights gives the heavy stuff less power over me. It changes my perspective and ultimately becomes the dialogue to my life.
I try to see the world through rose-colored glasses. Most times that is what saves me. If you want to witness the ultimate example of faith in humanity, read The Girl You Left Behind by Jojo Moyes.
I'm off to celebrate being closer to my 30's than my 20's & my last month as a single lady with my best girlfriends, flamingos, and wigs.
Much to celebrate! Happy weekend, my friends. –Em
24
My birthday this year did something to me. I can't quite put my finger on it but it feels big in a slow, rumbling sort of way. Kind of like sunflowers do. They hang their heads in darkness but stand firm in the faith they'll see the sun soon. And once they've seen the light, there's no stopping their glow. My favorite flower. My favorite time of the season. My year always starts in August.
A note to me, at 24!:
Sometimes when you think you need change, you really need rest.
You found a man who brings a kiss to your neck with every handful of sunflowers. Well, my love, you have bumped into your moon soul.
That dark, deep place inside you? It's there to remind you of the importance of light.
That quote you saw in high school, the one about "if you want to fly, don't hang around with chickens"? It's TRUE.
That lump in your throat, it's your voice trying to tell you, "let's stop trying to be perfect". Listen to her.
You are brave. For sticking with it, giving it a chance & letting it go.
The container garden in your backyard is bringing you closer.
You will never enjoy running. It's ok.
When you say never, life usually brings you something to challenge the statement.
It's not for them.
And when it is, let it be your gift to them. Don't try to change them. Respect everyone's right to their own opinion.
Giggles cure gremlins.
You can buy all the self-help books in the world, girl, but experience will show you full force every. damn. time.
Your parents are humans too. They'll make mistakes. You'll still love them—as they do you—unconditionally.
The Sun. The Moon. The Earth. Remember this on days you let email get the best of you.
Treat men with empathy too. We all show shame & vulnerability differently.
You're going to hurt someone's feelings. Forgive yourself by bedtime.
The weight of the world is not for your shoulders. Enjoy your coffee.
When me flips to we, your journey has expanded. It's earth-shaking. Feel the beautiful rumble.
Coffee. Beer. Wine. Kombucha. Don't forget the water.
Sometimes they're saying things about you because of themselves. Taking it personally gives you gut rock. Release, baby.
PUT IT INTO PERSPECTIVE.
Life isn't about trying to be everything. You'll find your sweet spot. Take breaks, give it a chance to find you.
Begin. Always...just...begin.
I love you, brave girl. –Em