Fall Raw
I struggle with commitment. There's not a logical reason for it, it's really just letting fear of the unknown take up more space in me than living in the moment does. It's one of the reasons I'm so blessed to have Joel in my life, why I stop myself when I start bitching about student loans & now, why I can say I didn't give up on my year-long personal project, Feelings of 2014.
It's a commitment I made to myself & I think that's why it feels so monumental. As a girlfriend, I make the commitment to be the best partner I can be to Joel every day. As a daughter, sister & friend, I make commitments to show up more often (physically & emotionally). As a designer, I make commitments to deliver beauty & results to my clients weekly.
But this one, this one was for me.
The experiment involved internalizing a chosen feeling for 3 months to represent each season this year. I let the word consume me & show me new perspectives. I made discoveries, decisions & theories because of them but mostly I dug up lots of questions & curiosities.
Spring: Faith
Faith brought me to the revelation that I wasn't meant to spend only a lunch hour's worth of time taking care of my psyche. The whisper inside me, "What is my purpose here?", started to roar. Faith answered softly, "Honey, you gotta go find out." It coddled my battered ego in the greenhouse & showed up when I begged for a seat at the Bloom Workshop after it had already sold out (I got in by some form of a miracle).
Summer: Warrior
I was guided to exude my inner warrior & felt like a goddess all summer collaborating with the sweetest creator & sticking to my stillness ritual every morning. I started saying how I felt instead of what I thought people would approve of. Then, I felt shame. Not worthy of this warrioress inside me. Who was I to feel so good? I kept discovering more & more of the unexpected in me with each season & while it guided me to new internal heights, it also scared the shit out of me. Doubt consumes if you let it...& I let it. But I'm kind of liking this whole committing to the present thing so my final feeling is less about aspirations & more about right now, this moment.
Fall: Raw
Uninhibited mixed with clarity of self. Sweet honey & sour milk. Being splashed with a mud puddle while you're wearing a white dress. Hollowness in anticipation of being refilled. The rugged terrain of making love stay. My final feeling of 2014 is begging me to let down my guard, daring me to relinquish control & making me realize daily that the unknown is all I've ever known.
How do you feel? Love, E.
Summer Warrior
The Two Wolves
One evening an old Cherokee Chief told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people. He said, "My son, the battle is between two wolves inside us all.
One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.
The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith."
The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, "Which wolf wins?"
The old Cherokee Chief simply replied, "The one you feed."
It's a story my dad sent to me years ago. I've always loved it for its simplicity. For its truth. Because for me, it's never other people I go to battle with as much as it is with those ferocious gremlins inside my head. You know the ones. They tell you you're not worthy of wanting what you want or of having what you have. They get a thrill from telling you you're not good enough. They like to make you feel small with their "but what will they think?" kind of comments. My inner gremlins led me to my Summer feeling:
Warrior: I want to feel strong in my decisions & actions. A lot of growing up happens when you realize it is up to you to lead your journey. No one is going to do it for you & you should not expect them to. This realization is difficult for me to swallow sometimes but I'm getting used to the taste. The last few months have been a challenge for me to dig deep for compassion & kindness; to myself & to others. I used to think positivity was so ingrained in my nature I would never have to work at it. Crazy, right?! It is a gift, like everything else. I hope my summer feeling brings me to being firm in what I know is best for me with grace for others who I cannot expect to read my mind. Which wolf will you feed?
Current things making me feel strong:
The Loon Feather by Iola Fuller
My summer studio, I cannot describe how great of a feeling this is!
Lavender oil, soothes my soul & calms my spirit after these long summer days.
Having the Brave Girl manifesto inspire others on their journey.
Friends who share their dreams & kombucha recipes.
Here's to lazy days & bonfire nights. I hope you have a weekend filled with both, E.
Spring Faith
There is a phrase the yoga instructor says when you're in a particularly difficult bind or twist.
"Breathe into the space that's feeling the most heat."
This heat is where the stretch hurts most. The place you're most likely not flexible in yet. My reaction was to stop breathing when the discomfort came. To act like it didn't exist. I was making it harder on myself & wasn't feeling better in the moves. I began to trust "breathing into the heat" this week out of desperation because what I thought was best for me wasn't getting me anywhere. I was in a twist that made me feel muscles I didn't know existed. I would have fallen over or torn something if I didn't breathe into the muscle so I imagined my air flowing to the space that needed it most.
Then, something miraculous happened. I opened up space in me I didn't know was closed. I no longer felt pain in the mystery muscle & was surprisingly able to take the stretch further. Then, I started to see faith differently. What I thought faith was as a kid is very different from how I see it now. Faith is a big word with lots of meanings & opinions attached which is why it's my Spring feeling based on the resolution I made earlier this year.
Faith: I want to feel more in the moment & less fearful of what I inevitably cannot control. Like the snake shedding his skin so he can be refreshed & the butterfly who transforms so she gains new perspectives. I am feeling a rebirth coming on with the change of the season. A renewed faith in my actions, my relationships, & my beliefs will be lovely to explore. Kind of like a spring cleaning for the soul.
I'm going to continue with my replenish discoveries as well because I'm hooked on learning new ways to live more naturally but will focus on my new word from day-to-day. I'm not sure what this change means yet but felt compelled to say it aloud & begin despite not having a plan.
Here's where my head's at this week:
Thinking on: The Crossroads of Should and Must by Elle Luna
Jammin' to: Tedeschi Trucks Band because I can't help myself!
Attending: Harvest Bible Chapel tomorrow. Amazing music + message.
Quoting: Bob Harowitz because I care about the possibility of failing too much.
Reading: Leaving the Church of Self-Improvement by Danielle LaPorte
Happy Saturday, brave ones. I'm off to hang with Joel in the garage as he brews another batch of his delicious beer!
Winter Replenish
Every ounce of me wanted to conquer this year's resolutions. The sequin hat I wore while nursing a wee hangover gave me the confidence I needed to be on my resolution game & look sexy doing it. I was going to dominate 2014 in one day. I washed my face with a homemade milk & honey face wash. I woke up the next morning & thought of 3 things I was grateful for before getting out of bed (pre-coffee!). I drank double the amount of water I usually do. I went for a walk midday, taking in the crisp air & beauty around me. More prayers of appreciation. I prepared a healthy meal in the crockpot so we could have dinner at a normal time.
I even had time to get my 2014 Daily Planner! A mini-tradition I look forward to at the beginning of each year. I took the deepest nap of my life before dinner was ready…& then I woke up in one of the worst moods of my life. It could have been the pressure I put on myself to continue improving every day of this new year. Or it could have been my body saying it couldn't take any more stress, anxiety, or mental games from the whirlwind of a year that 2013 was.
Either way, I lost complete focus of the world in front of me. You know, the one I am fully immersed in right now. Not the one that was or the one that is going to be. I couldn't snap out of it. I failed at 2014. And it was only January 2nd.
It was in this 'tude I found The Wisdom of the Native Americans. It's a compilation of ideas, values & ethos many Native Americans believed in despite the Europeans' need to conquer by breaking trust agreements & inducing horrible treatment. This book made me realize how off-kilter our society is with what's truly important. It led me to look inward. Not much has been "resolved" since my mini-freakout yesterday. I'm 23 & have no idea what I'm doing. It's all I could come up with. I may never live exactly like the Native Americans did but hearing a group of wise Chiefs reminded me that peace is internal. You do not find it in money or power or materials. It begins & ends with nature. What has been here all along. What has survived the overuse & negligence.
So instead of resolutions, I'm seeking 4 feelings this year. Starting with replenish.
REPLENISH: I want to feel replenished in my mind & body. I'll be experimenting with meditation, DIY's that include natural ingredients for products I'm putting on my skin, mindfulness with what I'm putting in my body & whatever else comes my way. I don't have a plan other than this—you have no idea how that tilts my psyche—but I'm excited to see what happens.
4 feelings for 4 seasons.
I'll be sure to tell you how it's going. What feelings would you like more of?